I have received many responses to my quick withdrawal of my videos and the privatization of my blog. Some of this stems from the interactions that I have encountered with those within the community, but mostly from the constant struggle that mentally continues on in the background of every gainers self-conscious thoughts. I have been going through a very rough part of my life. Stress continues to mount and the weight that I have willfully and happily worked to gain has only exacerbated the situations. My weight gain has been a great journey that I have enjoyed incredibly over the past year and a half but for the time being I have stopped gaining.
The majority of my decision to pull my vids and begin to lose weight began with a conversation I had with someone. That person asked if I would turn on my webcam and I had responded that I was not really in the mood. He asked why and I told him that I was depressed and began to explain my situation to him and he quickly began attacking me stating that I "needed help" because I was not happy with working two jobs, performing in a symphony, practicing my ass off, all while going to college taking 17 credit hours. I am beyond broke right now and struggling to keep my head above water. I thought this was a person that I could confide in ... not that I would tell him my "deepest and darkest secrets", as cliche as that may sound, but that I could tell him that I wasn't happy with my current situation and he would be able to understand that. I was very mistaken and have not spoken to him since.
Today I put two of my vids back up and I have a few that have been recorded that I may post later depending on how I am feeling. I still plan on running my blog and keeping up on a few websites but I fear that if I over-expose myself I will have more incidents like the one stated above. It is not that I fear what may happen, but mentally and emotionally it messes with me and I do not want to feel like that again. For now the majority of my vids will remain private and I plan take a spectator role in the gaining community until after my situation improves.
As Always,
Eat Up
