I have received many responses to my quick withdrawal of my videos and the privatization of my blog. Some of this stems from the interactions that I have encountered with those within the community, but mostly from the constant struggle that mentally continues on in the background of every gainers self-conscious thoughts. I have been going through a very rough part of my life. Stress continues to mount and the weight that I have willfully and happily worked to gain has only exacerbated the situations. My weight gain has been a great journey that I have enjoyed incredibly over the past year and a half but for the time being I have stopped gaining.
The majority of my decision to pull my vids and begin to lose weight began with a conversation I had with someone. That person asked if I would turn on my webcam and I had responded that I was not really in the mood. He asked why and I told him that I was depressed and began to explain my situation to him and he quickly began attacking me stating that I "needed help" because I was not happy with working two jobs, performing in a symphony, practicing my ass off, all while going to college taking 17 credit hours. I am beyond broke right now and struggling to keep my head above water. I thought this was a person that I could confide in ... not that I would tell him my "deepest and darkest secrets", as cliche as that may sound, but that I could tell him that I wasn't happy with my current situation and he would be able to understand that. I was very mistaken and have not spoken to him since.
Today I put two of my vids back up and I have a few that have been recorded that I may post later depending on how I am feeling. I still plan on running my blog and keeping up on a few websites but I fear that if I over-expose myself I will have more incidents like the one stated above. It is not that I fear what may happen, but mentally and emotionally it messes with me and I do not want to feel like that again. For now the majority of my vids will remain private and I plan take a spectator role in the gaining community until after my situation improves.
As Always,
Eat Up
I'm so sorry you're stressed. I do love reading your blog and admire your incredible gain. It's sad to hear that you've decided to lose weight, but it's also understandable. Would have loved to see you reach the 300lb mark. I'm not sure if you did already, but if so "congrats".
ReplyDeletebtw, I am princely54 on most of my other posts. just so you know....
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry things have been so difficult of late. This community can definitely be a frustrating one, especially when most of us feel pretty alone in our preferences despite the online "friendships" we sometimes develop. I think your gain looks absolutely amazing and I'd be sad to see you lose even a single pound but I totally understand why you might want to. Sometimes a bit of a withdrawl from the whole gaining scene can put things into perspective. Good luck, and I really hope things work out for the best. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think most gainers go through these reassessment periods. For some it is the end of gaining while for others it is just a break. Personally I've been into this gaining thing for about 20 years. One break was for over a dozen years. I'm currently on my 4th run. It really doesn't matter which path you eventually choose, but you do have to do what feels right for you now, and if that means stopping gaining, I support you on it.
ReplyDeleteYou have had one wild ride, putting on like 100 pounds, and you should be proud of what you have accomplished. You got to experience what it feels like to be really fat (pretty damn good at times!), something that would remain just a fantasy if you hadn't gained. You've also gained quite a bit of experience in dealing with other people, no matter where they were coming from. Some of the experiences certainly must qualify as being from the "school of hard knocks", but hopefully other experiences have reaffirmed your faith in humanity.
I wish you the best in whatever path you choose, now and in the future.
Geez dude, really sorry to hear that one of the community d-bags got to you. While I suspect you would've arrived at the conclusion that you ought to take a break either way, it still sucks when somebody from the community is so openly rude.
ReplyDeleteI almost wish we had a good way to cross reference the people who have been jackasses like that, because I suspect we wouldn't come up with as many names as we would come up with the same few over and over.
If you ever want to chat about real life (or gaining, or whatever) my yahoo is cntbyvwl.
Hope this break gives you the strength you need to make it through. As a human being, it is always your choice what to do next. I'm glad you didn't forget that, even for a second.
I'm sorry to hear about going through so much, but always remember, as Avenue Q so eloquently put it:
ReplyDeleteExcept for death and paying taxes
Everything in life, is only for now
So just think, all this stuff will pass, and perhaps you'll want to gain more, perhaps you'll be content. The most important thing to do is whatever is right for yourself. Always remember that.
I hope you are doing better now. I had been following your youtube channel and this blog before you pulled it. Glad to be invited here. Hope to chat with you sometime.
ReplyDelete